


Me & You Together Song

by hallelujah99



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Childhood Friends, F/F, High School, Middle School, Slow Burn, friends to not friends to who knows what to friends to lovers eventually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:13:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29437344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hallelujah99/pseuds/hallelujah99
Summary: Toni first meets Shelby when they're in seventh grade.It takes them a while to get it right."I've been in love with her for ages / And I can't seem to get it right / I fell in love with her in stages / My whole life" -Me & You Together Song by The 1975
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 58
Kudos: 189





	1. Middle School

Toni first met Shelby when they were in seventh grade. Her family had just moved from Texas, and due to her dad’s new job, Shelby started two weeks into the school year. 

Toni was immediately entranced with the girl’s long blonde hair, with her green eyes, and with the southern drawl that Toni had secretly always thought was just a made up thing for TV, before she met her. 

Toni wasn’t sure what it was that drew her to Shelby, after all, she had no interest in being like her-all dressed up and chatty to everyone around her. She figured it must be the novelty of someone coming from a far away place, and when Martha whispered to Toni that they should invite her to join them for lunch, Toni figured that due to Shelby’s charisma, everyone would be fighting for the chance to have the new girl at their table. 

Somehow it worked out in her favor, and Shelby sat with them that day and for every day after. Other girls followed her, craving her friendship and approval, and that didn’t surprise Toni one bit, as she spent a good deal of her time trying to figure out how to get to be even closer to Shelby. 

The friend group expanded, and Toni found herself unexpectedly thrust into a position of near-popularity, which she had not anticipated ever being part of her middle school experience. She wasn’t really popular, per se, but she was Shelby’s friend and Shelby was popular, so by nature of that, she was popular-adjacent.

Being a popular-adjacent girl led to a very unexpected problem. The popular-adjacent boys. It didn’t happen all the time, but from time to time, a boy would approach her, at lunch or recess, and tell her that his friend liked her, and inquire if she might feel the same way. 

The first time it happened, she was flattered by the attention, and Matthew, the boy in question, was one of the less repulsive ones. She enjoyed playing basketball with him and he was really funny, and she wondered if the way she enjoyed their friendship was close enough to a crush to qualify. She wasn’t really sure so she said “I don’t know. Maybe?” That was apparently close enough to a yes, because the next day, Shelby came running up to her squealing, asking her about her new boyfriend. Toni embellished slightly on her feelings for Matthew, because she knew such conversation would keep Shelby’s interest, and keeping Shelby’s interest in speaking to her was Toni’s highest priority at the moment. 

“Ah! I’m so happy for you!” Shelby exclaimed, grabbing Toni’s forearms and squeezing in excitement. Squeezing so hard Toni momentarily wondered if her smile and apparent joy weren’t totally real. 

Toni’s relationship with Matthew lasted a total of two weeks, during which they had exactly six conversations, which was actually a lot less than they previously had. Every conversation they had, Toni would recap in detail to her captive audience of Shelby, Martha, and their (well, Shelby’s) other friends at the lunch table. 

When Toni finally admitted that she still felt awkward whenever she talked to Matthew, Shelby shrugged and said “Maybe y’all are just better off as friends.” Toni nodded, that seemed true, and she figured that, even though Shelby wasn’t allowed to date until high school, she probably knew what she was talking about, she always seemed to. The other girls at the table attempted to talk her out of breaking up with him, but Toni’s mind had been made up the second Shelby suggested it. 

Every subsequent attempt of boys to date her was met with a vehement “No.” It had been so weird and uncomfortable the first time, Toni had no interest in a repeat. She was still trying to repair her friendship with Matthew.

It was one of the last days of seventh grade, and finally a warm day in Minnesota, the fourth time she turned a boy down. It was recess, and she was sitting with her group under a large tree. Shelby was tired that day, and laid with her head in Toni’s lap, which wasn’t unusual for them. Toni relished in those moments, when she’d have the opportunity to play with her long blonde hair and feel the weight of her head in her lap. (Martha had tried laying her head in her lap like that one time, but something about the shape of Shelby’s head just made it fit better.)

A boy named Clayton, who was dating Hailey, a girl in their group, approached them. “Hey, Clayton.” Hailey smiled. Clayton nodded at her, before turning her focus to Toni. 

“Toni, Shawn likes you.” The girls around her all squealed, one even genuinely screamed. Shelby just opened her eyes and looked up silently at Toni, without any real expression on her face. Toni looked down at Shelby, waiting to see if she said anything.

“Well?” Clayton asked, impatient for Toni’s response to his implied question. 

“I don’t like him back.” Toni replied simply, the way she’d done before. 

“What? Toni!” Came the chorus of girls around her, but Toni could have sworn she saw a smile pull at Shelby’s lips, and Toni wondered if she just liked the dramatics of it all. 

“Why not?” Clayton pushed. Toni shrugged as she ran her fingers over Shelby’s scalp. “I just don’t.” Clayton narrowed his eyes at her, appearing to size her up for a moment. “Because you’re gay?”

Shelby’s eyes shot open at that. Toni’s mind went blank, having no clue how to respond, before unhelpfully wandering back to the previous week, when she’d opened a private browsing window and typed in “am i gay quiz” (The results had been frustratingly inconclusive.)

Luckily, the girls around Toni responded for her. “She’s not gay! She just likes someone else!” yelled Libby. 

Clayton looked at Shelby, still laying in Toni’s lap.

“Who?” He asked. 

“Not telling you. Girl code.” Hailey replied, before motioning to her boyfriend to walk away.

“I thought Shawn liked Maria? What happened to that?” Shelby asked as she sat up and rubbed her neck. Toni missed the weight of Shelby’s head on her lap and tried not to dwell on it.

It was the same group of girls a couple weeks later, all in the Goodkind’s basement for a sleepover, playing Truth or Dare. Toni had never minded playing the game before, but she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for Clayton’s comment to be brought up, so she decided to select dare every time. 

Shelby asked Martha “Truth or Dare?” and Martha, of course, selected truth. 

“Umm, I don’t know, does anyone have any ideas?” Shelby asked the group.

“I do!” Jordyn piped up. She leaned over and whispered something to Shelby, and Toni’s mind wandered for a second, thinking that she should come up with a good truth or dare prompt so that she could whisper something to Shelby on her next turn.

“I don’t wanna ask that.” Shelby responded quickly to the whisper.

“Why not?” Jordyn asked, seemingly offended. 

“That’s mean.” Shelby said, looking at her hands.

“No it isn’t! It’s just a game. Come on. Unless you can think of something!” Jordyn replied.

Shelby thought for a moment, but apparently came up blank. 

“Fine then! Martha, if any of the girls in out class was a...a lesbian, who do you think it would be?” Shelby spit out, looking all around the perimeter of the room, avoiding anyone’s face. 

Toni had long suspected Martha might suspect the same things she herself was starting to realize. So she held her breath, as she watched Martha’s eyes dart around at each girl in the room, before responding “I have no idea. Annie, I guess, but I doubt it.” 

Annie was a quiet girl who loved horses and who ran in an entirely different circle than the present company, and Toni wondered if that was why Martha had said her name. 

The game ran off-course for a second, with the girls speculating about Annie, that maybe she had some secret wild lesbian life with some girl from her horseback riding group. Some of them laughed quite hard at the idea of Annie riding a horse with her hypothetical girlfriend and turning around and kissing her while the horse kept galloping. Toni rubbed at her shoulders, not participating in the conversation and so not seeing the humor. 

Shelby picked at her nail polish, evidently not seeing the humor either, and Martha buried her face in her hands, clearly not happy with what she’d started. 

They got back to the game for a bit, and l ran upstairs to eat some microwave popcorn, before finally putting on a movie. The girls fell asleep, spread out on the couch and the floor, until it was only Toni awake at the end of the movie. She stepped carefully around, looking for the remote so that she could turn the TV off, as she knew the light would keep her awake. 

The remote, as it turned out, was wedged underneath a sleeping Shelby, and Toni attempted to grab it without touching her a few times, before giving up and resigning herself to a sleepless night, but just then, some noise in the ending credits of the movie was just loud enough to wake Shelby up. 

She looked up at Toni, who was standing over her, with a questioning look on her face. Toni felt frozen in place for a second, like Shelby had caught her doing something she shouldn’t have. 

Eventually, she pointed to the remote, and Shelby nodded and picked it up and moved to turn the TV off, but then stopped. 

She looked at the girls sleeping around her, before looking up at Toni and motioning for her to follow her. 

Toni would have followed Shelby anywhere, really. That much she knew, some of the rest, she was still sorting out. 

They went back upstairs into the kitchen, grabbing the bowl of candy that had been bought specially for the sleepover. The oven clock told her it was almost 3 am and her heart raced a little at the prospect of being up so late, later than she ever had before. 

They settled onto the kitchen floor, eating candy and whispering, laughing at nothing in particular and doing their best to do so quietly. They tossed sour patch kids back and forth, trying to land them in each other’s mouths. 

Toni wished for a second that they could have more nights like these, just the two of them, instead of the whole big group. But she knew that the other girls would be jealous if she hung out alone with Shelby.

“Do you think Annie is a lesbian?” Shelby asked suddenly.

Toni shook her head. “I think Martha just made a random guess.” She answered honestly. 

“Do you remember when Clayton asked if you were?” Shelby asked, like it hadn’t been a super recent event.

“Mhm.” Toni replied, shoving a fistfull of candy in her mouth.

The silence that followed was deafening, and Toni didn’t know why she did it, except to fill the silence. 

“I’m not. I’m not a lesbian.” She said, and couldn’t help but feel the way her tongue felt heavy, like it wanted to fight her saying those words.

Shelby nodded at her. “Me neither.” She said, and Toni felt irrationally mad, but bites back her desire to reply “ _ No one fucking asked _ .”

They moved on, and Toni felt that something has shifted in the air, and not in a good way.

Toni climbed underneath the blankets she was borrowing from the Goodkinds, and couldn’t help but notice the way they smelled like Shelby. She imagined for a while what would have happened if she had told the truth-that she wasn’t sure if she was a lesbian, but was pretty sure she wasn’t straight. She imagined for just a minute what might have happened if she had told the  _ whole  _ truth-but she was still working out what that even was.

It became a tradition of theirs-every couple of weeks, throughout the summer and following school year, whenever the group of girls have a sleepover, they’d fight off sleep until they were the last two standing.

At the Goodkind’s, they would sneak into the kitchen for a sugar rush and sit on the floor, tossing candy back and forth.

At Hailey’s house, they would sneak into the family’s pool room, sitting side by side with their feet dangling in the water.

At the Blackburns, they would step onto the back patio, even cuddling together against the cold Minnesota nights. 

At Libby’s house, there wasn’t really anywhere to go except the bathroom, so that’s what they’d do. 

It was in Libby’s bathroom, at a sleepover celebrating the end of eighth grade, that Shelby brought up their conversation from a year prior. They sat on the ledge of the bathtub, side by side, and probably closer than they needed to be.

“Remember last year, how Clayton thought you were a lesbian?”

Toni did remember, but a lot had changed in that year.

Clayton had transferred, thank god. Toni had figured out that based on Mr. Goodkind’s job as a preacher and his entire being, he probably didn’t like gay people. She had gone from suspecting she probably liked girls to knowing she did and suspecting she probably didn’t like boys. And her feelings for Shelby, that had changed, but not in a way she could quite articulate. 

“Why do you ask?” Toni said, sinking her butt down into the empty tub, her legs sticking out over the edge.

Shelby joined her, lowering herself slowly, and not saying anything.

“Just thinking about it. But like, I don’t know…” Shelby said, kicking her feet around and staring at her feet as they moved.

Toni guessed Shelby was asking her a question that she wasn’t quite ready to answer, but braced herself.

But then, Shelby veered off the course Toni had been anticipating and fearing. 

“I feel like maybe everyone is a little bit, you know? Like a little bi at least?” Shelby said, her voice higher than normal.

Toni had thought the same thing at one point, but actually didn’t anymore. Still, she said “Yeah. I think you’re right.” 

Toni didn’t realize the implication of Shelby’s words until she added to them “I mean like, I don’t know, I’d kiss a girl, probably.”

She turned to Toni then, and their faces were close enough that Toni forgot how to think. Toni curled her lips into her mouth and bit down, the way she’d gotten used to doing whenever her and Shelby got that close, so that she wouldn’t accidentally try to kiss her. But when Shelby didn’t turn away, Toni thought back over what she’d just said. 

She relaxed her lips and thought about it a little more, trying to figure out what Shelby was trying to communicate.

Shelby interrupted her thoughts, leaning in and kissing her. It must be by some miracle of Shelby’s God that Toni responded enough to kiss her back, in the split second that it lasted before Shelby pulled back and nodded. 

Toni wasn’t sure what the nod meant, but she figured it might mean that Shelby felt what she did-that the kiss felt so incredibly right. Like it was the most natural thing, like every late night they’d spent up together before had been missing something, and that the one kiss not only made this night whole, but retroactively made everything else perfect, too.

Unfortunately, at the next sleepover, Shelby fell asleep during the movie, and Toni wasn’t sure if it was okay to wake her up, so she spent the night sitting alone with her legs dangling in Hailey’s pool, until the skin on her toes shriveled up, hoping Shelby would come in, even if there wasn’t another a kiss. 

That summer, Toni missed a sleepover due to a visit with her mom, Shelby missed a sleepover due to a church retreat, then Toni missed a sleepover due to a stomach bug. They saw each other sometimes, still, always in the big group, never even having a chance at a private moment. So, at the sleepover at the Blackburn's to celebrate the start of high school, Toni didn’t really feel like she had any right to complain when Shelby announced that she’d started dating Andrew. It had only been one kiss.

Toni pretended to fall asleep early that night, and felt her heart twist when she heard the back door slide open. But she couldn’t imagine a conversation on the patio with Shelby that didn’t involve her spilling her guts, telling her all the feelings she was having, and couldn’t imagine that ending with anything but Shelby stomping all over her heart. 


	2. High School: Freshman Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Recap of previous chapter: Toni met Shelby at the start of seventh grade. They became quick friends, within a larger group of girls. They had many group sleepovers, and Toni and Shelby developed a tradition of staying up after everyone else and sneaking away to hang out alone. At the last sleepover of eighth grade, they kissed, but never got a chance to talk about it again. At the start of high school, Shelby began dating Andrew.

Toni didn’t know the sleepover at the Blackburn’s would be the last one. There were a few more attempts to plan one, but by the time freshman homecoming rolled around, the group of middle school friends had fractured, with Toni and Shelby on opposite sides of the fault line. 

Shelby went to the dance with a large group, everyone lined up in the Goodkind’s driveway for pictures, every girl with a boy stood behind her with his arms around her waist in a way that made Toni repulsed.

Toni went with Martha and two other girls in a small group, wearing a dress she’d borrowed from Martha’s younger sister. 

At the dance, Toni watched from a table as Shelby danced with Andrew and did her best to pull back from the thoughts telling her exactly why it bothered her so badly. On a faster song, Andrew joined his friends to jump around like a bunch of idiots, and Toni’s heart rose into her throat as Shelby approached her. 

It wasn’t a big deal, not really. They weren’t really friends anymore, not like they had been, but they still smiled and said hi in the hall. Maybe it was the way Shelby’s eyes sparkled from under the eyeshadow she hadn’t been allowed to wear in middle school, or maybe Toni was concerned she’d been caught staring, but Toni felt her palms sweat. 

“Why aren’t you dancing?” Shelby asked her casually. Toni shrugged, “Don’t really like to.” she said, the same way she’d lied a few minutes earlier when a chaperone had asked her the same thing. The chaperone had teasingly asked her why she’d come to a dance, but Shelby cocked her head, because she knew better.

They’d danced several times, around bedrooms and basements with their old friends (as far as Toni’s memory went, the two of them had always been dancing together, the other girls in the background).

Shelby set her hand on the table, close to Toni and she wondered for a second if she was going to invite her to dance. Not like  _ that,  _ Toni was well aware that wasn’t happening, but the dance floor was full of girls dancing with their friends. Toni would have said yes, in a heartbeat. But Shelby only excused herself to get some punch, and Toni felt it in her gut.

Once basketball season started, Toni’s group of friends expanded again, this time by her own accord, with girls who shared more interests with her. Among those girls was Alison, who shared a very particular interest with Toni: girls. 

Alison was the first openly queer girl Toni ever met in person, at that was enough for her. Toni came out to Martha first, at a sleepover, which was now just the two of them, the way it had been pre-Shelby.

“I have to tell you something.” She said, and Martha told her she could tell her anything. Martha hugged her and told her she was proud of her, honored to have been trusted enough to be told first. After that, Martha asked if Toni liked anyone, and Toni ignored the way she felt the closet door swing a little bit shut again when she answered that she liked Alison. 

For their first date Alison invited Toni out to her house, a large property in the country, and their first kiss took place on a frozen pond after Alison had taught her how to ice skate. As Alison’s mom drove her home, Toni ran through a list in her head of why that kiss felt the way it did. Or rather, why it didn’t feel the way her previous one did. Maybe it was the cold air, her chapped lips, or the unsteadiness of her feet in the skates. Or maybe it was just that a first kiss always feels special and you can’t get that feeling ever again, and it satisfied Toni to land on that answer, as she flashed an image of Andrews lips on Shelby’s.

She learned to kiss Alison in a way that felt physically better than the first attempt and figured that she had to be feeling all the right things, or that maybe she would in time. Dating her worked out well for Toni, because people figured out she was gay when they walked around hand in hand, and posted a few pictures together. 

Toni wondered if Shelby would ever approach her and tease her that Clayton had been right, but over time, she came to recognize that Shelby wasn’t interested in more than a tight smile when they passed each other in the halls. 

When Alison broke up with her after a few months, felt like it was only fitting because Alison had always just been something that happened to her, Toni cried once and felt like that was that. 

It was spring of freshman year when Toni got really into running, if only as an excuse to get out of her latest, shitty foster home. It was on a Saturday morning run through the woods near the trailer park where she nearly ran smack into two kids her age making out with a clear intention to go further. It was disgusting enough as it was, but when she noticed it was Andrew and Hailey, she nearly hurled. She ran away before they could say anything, but she heard Hailey screaming after to stop. She considered it, but had too much adrenaline coursing through her veins.

She laid in bed most of the weekend, attempting to drown out the yelling around her as she thought through all the options in her head. Shelby hadn’t said two words to her since she’d come out, and Toni could connect the dots on that. Some of them, anyway, but she wasn’t quite sure how or if certain events from middle school figured into the picture.

Hailey texted her, which was weird, because she’d only texted her a few times before, and the last time was over a year ago. She begged her not to tell anyone, and offered the explanation that Andrew was just frustrated because Shelby was waiting until marriage. 

Toni was shaken up by that for a myriad of reasons-first of all, that was such a lame excuse. Second of all, was sex really that expected, already? Her and Alison hadn’t even really gotten close. She didn’t feel ready for anything like that and pieced together that Andrew had probably attempted to pressure Shelby into it, and that made her sick.

She wanted to tell Shelby what she’d seen but then the thought crept into her mind that if she did, she might sleep with Andrew to try and make him stay, and the thought of that, of being the cause of that, gave Toni a migraine. 

Despite having the weekend to think it over, throughout school on Monday, she was still mulling over if she should tell Shelby about what she’d seen, and if she did, how she could go about that. As it turned out, she didn’t have to make that decision, because as she put her books in her locker at the end of the day, she felt someone stand behind her and the smell of the fabric softener wafting off them sent her back to a blanket on a basement floor and a girl in pajamas beside her in a bathtub. 

“Toni.” Came the voice she’d missed like a piece of her soul. She sounded serious. “What’s up?” she asked, desperately trying to remain casual, not to think about the months of radio silence that lined up with her coming out. She eyed the gold cross necklace around Shelby’s neck, bigger than the one she’d worn in middle school. 

“What happened? Andrew told me not to trust anything you say but you didn’t say anything, so what the heck was he talking about?” Wow, Toni thought. Here she was, worried about how to go about this, and Andrew really went and screwed everything up for himself all on his own, the way only a man could do. 

“I saw him.” Toni said simply. She wanted to see if Shelby would push, if she’d continue the conversation. 

“Saw him…” Shelby moved her hand, signaling Toni to continue.

Toni looked around, making sure the hallway was relatively empty. She looked back at Shelby, and was torn between pangs of not wanting to hurt her and knowing she deserved the truth. And, if she was being totally honest, there was another little, selfish piece that wanted to tell Shelby the truth so that they’d break up. And maybe, just maybe, wanted to hurt her, too. Because Toni felt so much hurt, looking up at her.

“In the woods. With a girl.” Toni wasn’t sure why she was protecting Hailey. Maybe she wanted the wrath to be directed at him and not her.

Toni expected Shelby to ask what specifically she’d seen, but apparently she was smart enough to figure it didn’t matter-if Andrew was afraid of it, it had been bad enough. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Shelby asked, her brows knitting together, and Toni couldn’t help but feel like she was the victim of misplaced anger. “I’m telling you right now! It just happened this weekend.”

“You could have texted me.” Shelby suggested, and of course, it had occurred to Toni, she spent much of the weekend, drafting to her, and reading their old messages. It had been hard to look at the way their messages decreased in frequency and length. So maybe that was part of why she didn’t. 

“You haven’t talked to me in months, Shelby. I just wasn’t sure how to approach the situation.” She said, slamming her locker shut a little more forcefully than she meant to. 

“I know, I know, it’s just, you were so busy with basketball, and…” Toni rolled her eyes and groaned, because that was not the situation and Shelby knew it. She began to walk away but Shelby’s hand on her arm stopped her and Toni felt every part of resolve melt away at her touch. “We can talk now?” and Toni couldn’t say no to the hopeful green eyes looking back at her.

That’s how they came to sit side by side behind the school, sharing a bag of Takis. Shelby shared with Toni that she felt more embarrassed about the whole situation than anything else, and that when Andrew told her not to trust what she said, she immediately knew something was up because not only was that such a random thing to say, but because she knew Toni was someone she could trust.

“I have lied to you before, though.” Toni told her, because she felt like the topic needed to be addressed, and that was one way to get there.

“When?”

“That sleepover, when I said I wasn’t a lesbian.”

She half expected Shelby to freeze up, to grab her cross necklace the way she had sometimes when she’d passed Toni in the halls with Alison. Instead, Shelby threw her head back and laughed. Toni watched her and relished in the sound.

“I guess I just excused that because I figured you didn’t exactly know at that point.” Shelby said, and she wasn’t wrong. 

Shelby opened her mouth as if to say something else on the topic, but closed it, instead grabbing for the last of the Takis. 

“I figured it out over time, by the end of middle school I knew.” Toni told her, because it was on topic, and it wasn’t until the sentence was out of her mouth that she realized the end of middle school was when she kissed Shelby.

Shelby smiled at her, and Toni felt the acknowledgement of the kiss in the smile, the first acknowledgement in the almost year since it had happened. She nodded almost imperceptibly and Toni wondered if Shelby was remembering that she had nodded after they kissed.

“It’s good to talk to you again, Toni.” Shelby told her and Toni told her the same.

There were only a few weeks left in the school year, but they made the most of them, the best they could. Friendly smiles in the hallways, a few memes texted back and forth. Every Monday after school, they sat behind the building, sharing something from the vending machine- Cheeze-Its, Oreos, and fruit snacks that they tossed into each other's mouths. 

It was the last week when they had decided to split a diet coke instead, and Toni couldn’t help but overthink the fact they were putting their mouths on the same bottle. She considered the fact that Shelby’s parents thought she stayed late on Mondays because of meetings of the Christian Youth Club, but that she had skipped the last several meetings to sit with her and share snacks and talk like old times. 

Toni was wearing a tank top that day, and as Shelby leaned her head against her shoulder, she sent a prayer out to whoever was listening that she had applied enough deodorant that morning. Shelby didn’t seem bothered, resting comfortably while listening to the music Toni was playing from her phone. 

Toni was so lost in the feeling of Shelby’s head on her shoulder, that she didn’t expect it when Shelby’s head quickly turned and pressed a kiss to her bare shoulder. 

Before she could process the feelings rushing through her, she felt Shelby immediately stand up, watched as she started breathing unevenly. 

“Calm down, that was nothing.” Toni said, and it felt like the biggest lie she’d ever told, the way the spot on her shoulder was still tingling, like Shelby had implanted something into her skin that was coursing through her veins, her heart. 

Shelby nodded and sat back down, putting more space between them. It felt like something had been broken, but it was still beautiful, sitting out there with her. It was the last time, and Toni realized there may or may not be a chance to see her over the summer, so she did her best to enjoy Shelby’s company, and considered it some small victory when Shelby finally took another sip from their shared bottle. 

The next day there was an awards ceremony at school, long and boring and tedious. Some parents were there, and she spotted the Goodkinds, Dave, with his fake smile plastered on, and JoBeth, always smaller in his presence. 

Toni accepted an award for Best Freshman Athlete-Female and didn’t miss the way Shelby smiled and clapped for her. 

After athletic awards, it was time for other clubs. The president of the environmental club handed little potted plants to Martha and the rest of the new members of the club. The president of the choir gave out little microphone pins to Shelby and the rest of the new members. When the president of the Christian Youth Club approached the podium and began announcing the names of the new members, Toni felt her heart sink further and further into her stomach. Little gold crosses were handed out to each new member who had attended enough meetings and who pledged to join next year. 

When all the names were read and Shelby’s was not among them, she snuck one glance at the Goodkinds, the vein in Dave’s forehead popping out as his face turned red, and that was the moment Toni knew that there was no way Shelby would be seeing her that summer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone enjoys! I am going to start writing the next chapter as soon as this one is posted! Please let me know your thoughts, comments make me so incredibly happy :)
> 
> (I hope the awards thing isn't too out of left field lol I think my high school was kinda weird for some of the shit we did)


	3. High School: Sophomore Year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch 1 Recap: Toni met Shelby at the start of seventh grade. They became quick friends, within a larger group of girls. They had many group sleepovers, and Toni and Shelby developed a tradition of staying up after everyone else and sneaking away to hang out alone. At the last sleepover of eighth grade, they kissed, but never got a chance to talk about it again. At the start of high school, Shelby began dating Andrew.
> 
> Ch 2 Recap: The friend group drifted apart at the start of high school. Toni started dating a girl, Alison, and whatever was left of Shelby and Toni's friendship seemed to disappear. Alison and Toni broke up and Toni wasn't too bothered. In the spring, Toni came across Andrew cheating on Shelby, Shelby asked Toni about it. For several weeks, they hung out every Monday behind the school, when Shelby was supposed to be in Christian Youth Club. Dave found out that Shelby had been missing meetings, and Toni knew it was the end of the friendship again.

It was late summer between freshman and sophomore year when Toni participated in the two week conditioning camp at her school. She had gotten lazy over the summer and knew she needed to change her habits so that she could get onto varsity as a sophomore by the time basketball season rolled around. 

As she was heading out one day, she spotted an instrument case covered in stickers, including a rainbow flag and intertwined female symbols. She looked out over the field at the marching band, trying to figure out what instrument even had a case like that, and who it belonged to. 

She looked up the times for the marching band practices, and the next day, she stayed behind at the school, practicing shooting until it was time for band practice to end, and when Toni saw the girl-Regan-putting a saxophone into the case, she could hardly believe her eyes.

Toni never expected to fall for a girl while dissecting a fetal pig, but that’s how it went. It went quickly, wonderfully, and Toni knew within a few weeks that whatever she’d had with Alison was nothing compared to this. 

As for Shelby, it was more or less out of sight, out of mind for Toni. Which meant, throughout geometry class, when she had her in her direct line of sight, she was on her mind. She clenched her fists and tried to ignore the way her hair effortlessly fell into place, the way the afternoon sun shone on it, the shape of her cheekbones. Toni once considered that she was so grateful there was no such thing as math projects, because if she had been in, say, history class, and gotten paired up with Shelby for some partner project, she’d have no idea what to do. The first few weeks, Shelby had attempted to talk to her, and Toni had also tried, but having a conversation with her made the ignoring a lot harder. Toni reminded herself that Shelby had her phone number, and if she’d really wanted to, she could have texted her that summer (Toni ignored the fact she had really wanted to text Shelby that summer but did not.)

Toni wondered about the explanation for why she couldn’t seem to get over her...attraction to Shelby. Maybe she was really just that objectively good looking, or maybe it was her own fault for falling into some mental traps. But outside of math class, she let it go, focused on being the best she could be for Regan, and enjoying the feeling of loving and being loved back.

It was at a basketball team dinner during winter break that Toni overheard a conversation between two mothers of girls on her team. 

“Is Connie coming to the reunion?” 

“No, you know she never comes to those!”

“Seriously? It’s 25 years! She could come and just stay on the opposite side of the room from Mark the whole time!”

“I think it’s still just too much for her to see him. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s very happy with Bob, but you know, it’s that first love thing. It just doesn’t go away.”

Toni felt her heart in her throat as she filled her soda and rejoined her teammates. She thought about this Connie woman, out of high school for 25 years and still afraid of the pangs she felt when she saw the man from so many years ago. Toni wasn’t sure it was fair to say that Shelby was her first love, they had been friends who’d kissed once. But it felt like a reasonable explanation, for the way she felt, the way she could still feel Shelby in the back of her mind sometimes, especially when she was in the same room as her.

It was the first day of school after winter break and Toni was having lunch with Regan and Martha when she felt a hand on her shoulder. She was never able to process how she knew it was Shelby before she turned to look at her, but there she stood, smile on her face and some red article of clothing bunched up in her hand. 

“Hey, how’s it going, Toni? Martha?” She had taken her hand off Toni's shoulder the second she had turned to look at her but she could still feel her shoulder pulsing, along with the rest of her body. 

“I’m good, how are you, Shelby?” Martha asked with a smile. “I’m good, thank you.” Toni still hadn’t replied, dumbfounded, when Shelby threw a smile at Regan and for a second Toni wasn’t sure who she was supposed to be jealous of. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve formally met, I’m Shelby.”

“Regan.” Toni looked between the two girls and it was all way too much for comfort, but she kept her face flat. 

“Anyway, this is so random, but over the break I was cleaning out my closet and I found this and I’m guessing it’s yours?” Shelby said, handing the shirt to Toni. She unrolled it to find “Hopewell Lake Middle School Girls Basketball” written across the front. She knew she must have left it at Shelby’s house after a sleepover, and suddenly remembered the shirt covered in powdered sugar from the donuts she and Shelby had shoved in their mouths one night while their friends slept.

Toni forced out a laugh “Wow, throwback.” she said and figured Regan and Martha both interpreted her as referring to middle school basketball, and wondered what Shelby thought she might have meant.

“Yeah, from that to this, huh?” Shelby said with a smile, and Toni thought about late nights together, months of radio silence, Monday afternoons behind the school, and brief conversations in math class.

“What? Martha asked.

“Like she went from middle school basketball to varsity as a sophomore!” Shelby clarified and things got increasingly awkward fast. 

Regan reached for Toni’s hand, and Toni really tried not to look in her peripheral at the fact Regan looked at Shelby as she did.

“Well, it was good to catch up with you guys, good to officially meet you, Regan!” Shelby chirped before turning back to her table and rejoining her friends. 

“How long do you think she had that?” Regan asked lightly, never quick to anger or assume, and Toni reminded herself how insanely lucky she was.

Martha chimed in, “I think the last time we had a sleepover at the Goodkinds was like spring break in eighth grade, right Toni?” Toni nodded. It was, she knew that with certainty.

“I didn’t know you guys were friends with her.” Regan said, cocking her head, but after a few minutes of discussion, Regan came to the conclusion that it wasn’t so strange, people changed a lot from middle school to high school, and there had never been a reason to mention it anyway. (Toni tried not to think about all the reasons she had NOT to mention it).

That night, Toni allowed herself to bury her nose in the shirt just one time, to take in the smell of Shelby’s house, Shelby’s closet….Shelby. After she took the one smell she’d allowed herself, she took several more that she had not sanctioned for herself before throwing it in a load of clothes and hoping that it wouldn’t really work but then at least she could say she’d tried. 

Two months later, Toni almost wanted to throw the shirt away when she found it, her eyes swollen from crying over Regan ending things, after she lost her cool on those idiots in the parking lot. It never could have worked with Shelby, she felt, but it could have worked with Regan. She just wasn’t good enough. 

It was strange, once things were over between her and Regan, Toni was able to sit in math class and think about things other than Shelby for once. Sure, she still thought of her hand on her shoulder, right where her lips had been the previous year, the same lips that she’d had her own lips on a year before that. But, for a while, she just hurt too much to feel those butterflies that used to cast guilt throughout her whenever Shelby bit her lip in concentration. 

One time, as winter melted into spring, her teacher made an offhand comment about high school reunions, and it transported Toni back, four months prior, to the team dinner, the woman talking about how the feeling of first love never quite leaves you. Toni considered the way she was finally starting to feel better about the breakup with Regan, to see the light at the end of the tunnel. If what they said was true, and it felt like it was, maybe that meant Regan was her second love. 

Shelby raised her hand just then, and Toni watched her charm bracelet roll down her forearm and she remembered kicking her legs around in Hailey’s pool, as Shelby explained the significance of each charm. She remembered the nerves that shot through her whenever their feet accidentally brushed under the water. 

After school, Toni walked towards where she knew Shelby’s locker was. She felt her palms sweating, her knees trembling as she made her way over there, unsure what her end goal even was. She wasn’t about to confess to anything, but maybe she would be open to sharing a snack behind the school again, now that it was spring again. 

Just as Toni was starting to doubt her decision to approach Shelby, she saw her. Regan. She stood five feet from Shelby’s locker-because that’s where her best friend’s locker was, Toni remembered. That’s how she even knew where Shelby’s locker was. Toni cursed herself for taking that long to even think of that and pivoted, walking away briskly.

Toni knew it didn’t make sense that she felt like she should wait until she was completely over Regan to hang out with Shelby. Well, she knew it shouldn’t, anyway. But it did. 

It was the very last day of sophomore year, officially the halfway point of high school. School let out early and everyone had cleared out, but Toni was left behind, sitting on the floor, clearing out her locker. She was supposed to have done it the day before, but she’d left immediately after school to have lunch with her mom, who was (supposedly) two months clean and working on getting her back. So, it was just her and a few school staff left as she dug through all the things she’d stuffed in there and forgotten about. 

“I thought I was the only one who’d be here any later than I absolutely had to be.” was Shelby’s introduction from across the hallway as she sauntered up to Toni, holding a trashbag presumably filled with the old contents of her locker. 

Toni considered that it almost seemed a little like fate, as she watched the girl approach down the deserted school hallway, but she quickly decided it had to be coincidence because what business would fate have leaving them alone in a school hallway together when nothing would happen anyway.

“Why didn’t you clear yours out yesterday?” Toni asked as she pulled out an open package of very stale cookies. 

“I had a dentist appointment. I guess my mom got confused about when the last day of school was.” Shelby replied, and it was as simple as that-no divine intervention, just a momentary lapse in JoBeth’s memory. “What about you?”

If it were nearly anyone else, Toni would have lied. “I was having lunch with my mom.”

“How are things going with that?” Shelby asked tentatively. She moved over to lean against a locker near Toni.

“Same as ever. She says things are good right now, she has a job.” Toni didn't have to fill in the blank for Shelby about the fact she couldn’t trust things to stay good. 

“So, do you have any summer plans?” Shelby asked, and Toni should have known better than to get her hopes up about the possibility she was trying to invite her to anything. 

“I got a job at Target, so I’ll be there probably like, all the fucking time.” Toni told her. She was almost done pulling things out of her locker, so she slowed down, looking each item over carefully, pretending to inspect the papers she pulled out as if some of them could be important. “What about you, what are you doing this summer?”

Shelby sighed. “Remember how I told you about that church camp I went to in Texas when I was little? My dad signed me up to be a counselor there. All summer.”

“Well, you liked it there, right? I remember you had had friends from there and stuff.”

Shelby hummed. Toni looked up at her for a second, she looked like she was far away, mentally. “I guess I just wish I’d had some say in it. There’s so many things I wish I could do this summer instead. I still want to go to Lake Superior sometime before college. I’ve never been.” Toni had gone to Lake Superior with Martha’s family every August for years, and at some point, Shelby knew about that.

“It’s really beautiful, I hope you get to.” Toni told her, imagining splashing around in the waves with Shelby. “Me too.” Shelby said with a sad smile.

At that point, the conversation lulled, in time with Toni pulling the last scrap of paper out of her locker. She closed it, and as she moved to stand up, Shelby stuck her hand out for support. Toni grabbed it, it would have been rude not to. It felt so much better than Toni had bargained for, how soft her hand was, how good it felt to hold it. So good, that Toni didn’t drop it, even once she was fully standing. 

“Well, another school year is over.” Shelby said, very quietly. And Toni couldn’t think of a good explanation for the way she said it, unless she was referring to the fact that a year prior, Shelby had kissed her shoulder, and a year prior to that, they had kissed. 

Before she could tell herself all the very legitimate reasons not to, Toni brought their joined hands to her lips, kissing Shelby on the back of her hand. 

It felt incredible, kissing her once again, even just on the hand. But more than the kiss in that moment, it was a message: I haven’t forgotten.

There was more Toni would have liked to include in the message, like the fact she still had no idea what any of it meant to Shelby, but that she was pretty sure at this point she was just destined to always want Shelby in the back of her mind, because she must have fallen in love with her at some point, so she secured that “First Love” space that holds power over people. 

And those feelings, the prospect that Toni could want Shelby like this forever and never get more than one tiny kiss a year, that’s what made her finally drop her hand, because she really didn’t need to torture herself more than she already was. “Have a good summer, Shelby.” She told her, before turning and walking briskly out of the school. 

Toni knew that Shelby didn’t have her phone at all over the summer, at the church camp. They either weren’t allowed, there was no reception, or maybe both. Well, she didn’t know that, actually, but she convinced herself of it, to resist the temptation to reach out, to explain why she never got a single message from her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed!
> 
> Question: is it helpful having those recaps? I just know I read SO much fic Im always looking back to check what the most recent stuff was, and sometimes I conflate stories and get confused haha
> 
> Fun fact: the "first love" thing Toni overhears at the party is more or less verbatim what I overheard once when I was like 11 and boy if it didn't warp my sense of things for YEARS to come
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts :) Thanks so much!


	4. High School: Junior Year (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch 1 Recap: Toni met Shelby at the start of seventh grade. They became quick friends, within a larger group of girls. They had many group sleepovers, and Toni and Shelby developed a tradition of staying up after everyone else and sneaking away to hang out alone. At the last sleepover of eighth grade, they kissed, but never got a chance to talk about it again. At the start of high school, Shelby began dating Andrew.
> 
> Ch 2 Recap: The friend group drifted apart at the start of high school. Toni started dating a girl, Alison, and whatever was left of Shelby and Toni's friendship seemed to disappear. Alison and Toni broke up and Toni wasn't too bothered. In the spring, Toni came across Andrew cheating on Shelby, Shelby asked Toni about it. For several weeks, they hung out every Monday behind the school, when Shelby was supposed to be in Christian Youth Club. Dave found out that Shelby had been missing meetings, and Toni knew it was the end of the friendship again.
> 
> Ch 3 Recap: Toni dated Regan, during which Toni forgot about Shelby, except when she had to see her during math class.Toni and Regan broke up, Toni was sad but moved on in time. Toni realized that she believes Shelby was her first love, and that's why she can't move on like she did from Regan. On the last day of the year, they found themselves alone in the hallway at school, talked for a while, Shelby told her she'll be busy at a camp all summer, and Toni kisses Shelby's hand before running away.

Junior year started out spectacularly badly. Toni had just finished with her first class of the year when some dickhead whose name she couldn’t be bothered to remember decided to start some shit, so she missed her second class of junior year to listen to Vice Principal Faber spout bullshit about “controlling her emotions”.

He let her go just before the period ended and she went into the bathroom and locked herself in the end stall to try and do some of the breathing exercises she’d read about online. Her eyes drifted over to the stall divider, covered in various styles of handwriting in different colors.

Among various notes and illegible scribbles, there was a list, titled  **HLHS Hotties.** It was an ongoing list, it seemed, with various girls writing names, adding to the list. 

**Jimmy Ruelish.** Gross.

**Noah Thompson.** Grosser.

**Marcus Manikin.** Okay, Toni was gay as hell but she had eyes. Or maybe it was Martha’s loud daydreaming that had seeped its way into her brain but she couldn’t fault whoever wrote that.

The names of unappealing or unfamiliar boys went on. Just as Toni was considering how much better the list would be with a little queer representation, she noticed a name near the bottom, hearts drawn around it.

**VP Faber.** Repulsive. Abhorrent. He probably let the graffiti stay up because he liked knowing some teen girls thought he was cute, or at least liked to joke about it. 

It was the repulsion and her sizzling anger that drove Toni to grab a marker from her bag, initially to cross his name out, but then she remembered about the queer representation and decided it was a better use of the marker. She didn’t think it through all the way when she wrote  **Shelby Faith Goodkind.**

She recapped the marker and ducked out of the bathroom just as the period end bell rang. 

Toni was most excited for her final class of the day- Film. She had registered for it at the recommendation of her friend from sophomore English, Fatin, who told her all about how the class was taught by some nearly-retired history teacher who just popped in movies then took a nap, and asked the students to turn in summaries at the end of the movie, then gave everyone an A without reading them. 

Toni’s first thought upon walking into Film class is that the teacher looked very much the opposite of nearly-retired. Toni could have nearly mistaken her for a high school student, and she had closely cropped purple hair. Before she could do the simple math there, she saw the face that never failed to knock all other thoughts out of her mind. Shelby was at a desk, a gold Sharpie in hand, writing “Film” carefully on the cover of a notebook, looking somehow more beautiful than ever before with a summer glow still on her skin. Toni had a split second to decide between sitting next to Shelby or sitting far, far away from her, right in the midst of a tight-knit group of theater kids who made up most of the rest of the class. 

She didn’t end up having to make the decision, really, because Shelby looked up at her and threw her a friendly smile, and it would have been rude if Toni didn’t take the seat next to her.

The new film teacher, Ms. Groen, enthusiastically told the class all about how thrilled she was to be teaching about film to high schoolers, that it was her first class but she was well prepared, the whole semester planned out, and she was just so excited to share the syllabus, but first she forced an ice breaker game. 

“So I want you to tell me your name, your favorite film genre, and your favorite breakfast food!” She said with way too much enthusiasm. Toni couldn’t help but steal the quickest glance at Shelby’s face. She hadn’t changed, it seemed, she still loved shit like that. 

Toni tuned her classmates out until finally it was Shelby’s turn. “My name is Shelby, my favorite genre is probably musicals or romance, and my favorite breakfast food is….crepes with strawberries and Nutella.” She shot a grin at Toni, and Toni knew it was probably because it was her turn to introduce herself, but she also hoped Shelby remembered trying Nutella and strawberry crepes for the first time, at Martha’s house in seventh grade. 

“You, in the gray top?” The teacher asked politely. Oh SHIT. Toni had gotten so wrapped up in Shelby she’d forgotten to speak. This did not bode well for the rest of the semester. 

Turns out this teacher really did have big plans for the class. Not only would they watch and discuss movies, but turns out, the best way to understand movies is to make one of your own! Who would have guessed.

Ms. Groen seemed so excited she could burst. “Now, since this will be a project that you work on throughout the semester, I really want you guys to take your time figuring out partners, okay? I’ll ask you all about it on Friday, please don’t feel the need to decide today, take your time and make sure you’re comfortable with your choice.”

Toni watched the theater kids shoot each other looks, already pairing up before the teacher finished telling them to take their time. Besides them, there were two kids from the stoner friend group in the class as well, and...well wouldn’t you know it, a pair of twin sisters. 

Toni didn’t say anything to Shelby, waiting for her to make the first move regarding the project. They sat by each other in class on Tuesday and Wednesday and exchanged quick smiles that somehow still made Toni’s heart race and her palms sweat and Toni practically felt like she was waiting for Shelby to ask her to the prom and not to be project partners. She figured Shelby was probably exploring other options, preferring not to make a movie with a girl who had kissed her on the hand and then rushed away 3 months earlier. 

Maybe she gave up her search early, though, because Toni finally got a text Wednesday night, asking if she’d like to be project partners and her heart lit up, even though she figured it would come down to this. She spent twenty minutes crafting an acceptance text. " **Sounds good!** " is what she landed on.

“Does somebody have a crush?” Mrs. Blackburn asked as she watched Toni smile at her phone like an idiot when Shelby sent her response, “ **Yay! :)** ” 

“No!” Toni insisted, thankful Martha was in the bathroom and not there to see right through her lie. Honestly, it felt like a crush would be more manageable than...this, but Toni wasn’t about to admit to anything at all.

On Friday, Ms. Groen passed around the partner sign up sheet, Toni got it and wrote “Toni Shalifoe and Shelby Goodkind” and looked at it for just a second, thinking about how nice it was to write their names together like that. She passed the sheet on to Shelby so that she could hand it over to the next person and as soon as Shelby’s fingers grabbed the paper, Toni suddenly remembered something. She had written Shelby’s name on the bathroom wall earlier that week. She had no idea if Shelby had seen it, but reasonably, if she had, she’d have examined the handwriting. If she’d done that, and if she looked at the sign up list, and saw her name written in the same way, she'd know. Not to mention, that Toni thought it would be funny to include her middle name on the wall, which wasn’t secret but wasn’t exactly common knowledge. If Shelby had seen it, then there's no doubt she'd put two and two together and figure out Toni had written her name (Even if Shelby did put two and two together, she'd be way off. Toni felt like the answer was closer to 100 than 4.)

When Shelby got the list, she glanced at it, smiled, and passed it on. Toni watched her, forgetting subtlety for a minute, trying to work out what she was thinking. Maybe Shelby hadn’t seen it, or maybe she had and remembered Toni’s handwriting and already knew she had written it, either way, Shelby let the sign up sheet out of her hand easily and didn’t seem at all bothered by it. Crisis averted, for now, but Toni had to think of a way to ensure Shelby never saw anything she hand wrote ever again. 

That proved to be quite difficult, as the very next day, she found herself at a picnic table in a park with Shelby, each of them jotting down ideas for their movie. Ms. Groen has suggested it all- meeting with your partner over the weekend, jotting down every idea you have, even if it seems ridiculous, and preferably doing it outside, since apparently there’s something about fresh air and creativity. And of course, Shelby, as the ever-diligent student, asked Toni to meet up with her in the park the very next day. 

They sat in a faze of writers block for a few minutes, looking at each other and laughing. Toni should have known this would be impossible, she always had trouble thinking when Shelby was around, much less generating creative ideas. 

“What if we break it down into genres and go from there?” Shelby suggested, and Toni agreed, it sounded like a really good idea, god, Shelby was so smart. 

“Your favorite genre is action or adventure, right?” Shelby asked, and Toni was way more flattered than she should be that Shelby remembered her introduction from earlier that week.

Toni thought about it “What if we did like some people stranded on a deserted island? No, that’s probably stupid, how would we film that in Minnesota.”

“Hey, it’s not stupid! We’re writing everything down anyway! Write it down!” Shelby said, and so Toni did, taking time to loop the letters differently than she normally did. (Which was probably what she should have done on the bathroom wall in the first place.)

“What about some, like, adventure in the forest? We’ve got enough of that around here!” Shelby suggested, and wrote down. 

“So I know you said musicals and romance are your favorites, but I’m just gonna tell you right now there’s no way I’m singing.” Toni told Shelby once they had exhausted all ideas for action or adventure movies. 

Shelby laughed (god, that laugh) and flipped to a new page of the notebook, writing “Romance” at the top. “Alright, ideas for romance?” she asked.

“That’s your area.” Toni said, because talking about romance felt a little overwhelming. Toni considered that a massive unrequited crush could be a movie idea but it certainly wasn’t going to be the first thing out of her mouth. 

“How about...ooh, enemies to lovers!” Shelby suggested, scribbling it down. “Or best friends to lovers.” she added right underneath it. “Or even childhood friends to lovers!” Shelby was quite the romantic, coming up with the ideas seemingly out of nowhere.

“Childhood friends to lovers?” Toni asked out loud, because she can’t keep her mouth properly shut when she wants to. Then again, she knew Shelby wasn’t talking about them, just reciting romance tropes. They weren’t even really childhood friends, they were nearly 13 when they met. 

“I guess that might be hard, since we would have to find like children to play the child parts. Or, I don’t know, I feel like we could have high schoolers playing middle schoolers, if we dress them right.” Shelby nearly suggesting middle school friends to lovers felt like a cruel joke so Toni spit out the first thing that came to her mind “What if we had two people who meet as some part of like a crazy convention to, like, look for Bigfoot or something.” Shelby nodded “I love that, write it down.”

They came up with several more romance ideas, meet-cutes in coffee shops, fake dating, summer camp, all the classics. Toni pictured the ideas in her head as they talked about them, mentally casting herself and Shelby as the two leads, falling in love a hundred different ways.

“If we do romance, I guess we’ll have to find a guy willing to act in it.” Toni said, because she needed to burst that daydream bubble. 

“Um, sure?” Shelby said, almost like she was surprised or didn’t understand what Toni meant. 

“Yeah, I mean, no offense, I have a feeling Dave wouldn’t be crazy about you directing, producing, editing and starring in a lesbian movie.” 

The silence that followed Toni’s comment was deafening, the way Shelby cast her eyes to the ground broke Toni’s heart and she scrambled to find the words to fix it.

“I know you’re not like that, though. I know you got over all that.”

Shelby looked up then, her face morphing from hurt to shocked. “Over what?”

Toni wasn’t sure why Shelby was trying to force open wounds from two years prior, but she answered her. “The homophobia?”

“Homophobia?”

“Yeah, like when I came out and you refused to look at me for a few months.” Toni said, laughing a little bit, hoping it would ease the palpable anxiety Shelby was demonstrating. 

“When you were dating Alison.” Shelby said, Toni nodded, that was indeed when she’d come out. Shelby opened her mouth to speak but took a long moment before saying “Well I’m sorry if I ever made you feel uncomfortable.” 

“It’s okay, Shelbs.” Toni answered her. She wondered if she ever made Shelby uncomfortable. If she ever thought back to their late nights together, to their kiss, and felt like she had been part of something she hadn’t been aware of. The last thing Toni ever wanted to be seen as was a predatory lesbian.

“And if I ever made you feel uncomfortable-” 

“-you never have.” Shelby interrupted her. 

That conversation ended there. Toni imagined making a movie about two girls, meeting and becoming friends, kissing, coming apart, coming back together, back apart, and finally getting together to work on a project, and maybe, in the movie anyway, there could be a happy ending. Besides all the other reasons that wouldn’t happen, Toni didn’t think she could really tell the whole story in the five minutes their movie was supposed to be. 

In the end, they decided they didn’t need romance to write a compelling story (or at least, a story good enough to get them a decent grade). They decided on a story about two girls who are friends, who were grieving the loss of one of the girl’s pet dog, and a little adventure they went on to find the perfect place to spread the ashes. 

After turning in their plot summary and getting it approved, Shelby started a shared google drive (and Toni probably shouldn't have spent an entire full minute just staring at their two names and emails together on the screen). Toni was anxious to get on script writing, but first, they had to develop their characters. Ms. Groen suggested at least talking on the phone to your project partner about it as you developed your character, and Toni did not need to be told twice.

While Martha was at dance practice, Toni and Shelby had their first FaceTime call. Toni noticed the familiar bedroom in the background, with some new posters up on the wall and a new bedspread on the same bed, the same old teddy bear resting against the now-larger pile of pillows. 

“Okay, first thing’s first, what should our characters’ names be?” Toni said. They had already decided to take the easy way out and not have the movie feature anyone other than the two of them, and Martha’s dog in flashback scenes. 

“How about...Shoni and Telby.” Shelby said, and Toni’s laugh in response to her joke sounded a little more forced than she intended. It seemed like Shelby had come up with that one awfully quick.

“Hey, Shoni isn’t so bad!” Shelby defended and Toni wondered how they navigated into this conversation but she decided to reverse straight back out. “Let’s just pick like normal names.”

Shelby sighed softly “Well I was thinking of making my character be named Taylor.” she said. 

“Swift?” Toni asked with a raised eyebrow, no doubt in her mind that Shelby’s middle school obsession had grown with her. 

“Obviously. You can be Karlie, then.” Shelby told her with the most confusing wink. 

“Um, okay.” Toni had no idea where that had come from but it was a decent name. She typed “CARLY” into the shared google doc they had pulled open. 

“No, its….I meant…” Shelby started. Toni looked at her typing, but she was pretty sure she hadn’t done anything wrong. 

“What?” Toni asked.

“Nevermind. What were you thinking for personality?”

Class was less eventful than Toni would have liked, consisting primarily of watching movies that Ms. Groen paused way too often to explain every aspect of. Toni stole as many glances at Shelby as she could without seeming like a stalker and on the occasions she saw her staring back before quickly averting her eyes, Toni wondered sometimes if she’s the only one who felt like she’d been caught. 

Outside of class, Toni found herself at Shelby’s locker some mornings, discussing ideas for the movie, while other times, Shelby would approach her in the cafeteria just to share something funny she’d heard. Martha kicked her under the lunch table one time one time as Toni laughed way too hard at one of Shelby’s jokes, and after she walked away, Martha gave her a look that told her she was done playing stupid. “I know you talk to her every week when I’m at dance.” Martha said. “Yeah? We have a whole big project we have to talk about that our grade depends on!” Toni said, before taking a large bite of her apple and praying their other friends would show up soon and Martha would drop it (not like she couldn’t bring it up that night, seeing as they shared a room.)

“You only talk about the project?”

They did and they didn’t. They talked about it, about how the plot should go, where they should film, what their lines should be. But they also didn’t. They talked about TV shows they were watching, things that were going on in their respective homes. It was never too deep, nothing too personal, and the topic always shifted back to the movie, but to say the conversation stayed centered on the project would be a lie, so Toni said nothing. 

They were allowed to rent their equipment for two weeks, which really meant they had two weekends to film. Toni was pretty sure an iPhone could do the job just fine, but using these fancy complicated cameras was a requirement, and the tripods would make the scenes with both her and Shelby a lot easier to film. 

When their first day of filming arrived, Toni could feel the anxiety and energy and excitement buzzing through her from the moment she woke up. “What time is Shelby getting here?” Martha asked with a knowing smile as Toni dug through her drawer of clothing. “At eleven. And I’m just trying to find an outfit that will be good for filming.” “I didn’t say anything!” Martha defended and Toni just huffed because she couldn’t really argue her way out of this one.

Thankfully, Martha was too polite to mention anything around Shelby, which was good because when she walked in Toni seriously forgot how to breathe for a second, much less form a coherent explanation to any snide comments about Toni’s increasingly obvious crush.

“I saw this top and thought it just would suit Taylor, you know?” Shelby said, and Toni could only hope that her response of “Taylor has good taste” didn’t sound nearly as gay as it felt. 

Toni knew, prior to the day of filming, that Shelby was going to do her makeup, just enough that she didn’t look washed out on camera. She knew that, yet she failed to take into account how close Shelby was going to be to her the entire time she did it. It felt much closer than Martha ever stood to her when she’d do her makeup before school dances. It was almost like Shelby had trouble seeing with how close she held her face to Toni’s as they stood at the bathroom counter.

“I can’t remember the last time someone did my makeup.” Toni commented, in an attempt to break the increasing tension. 

“Well I know you weren’t at homecoming this year, so probably the Valentine’s Day dance last year?” Shelby asked, and Toni realized she was right, which was a little odd, but she couldn’t dwell on it when Shelby’s hand was tickling the side of her face as she brushed on some bronzer. 

“Did Regan do your makeup for that? She’s really good at it.” Shelby said and Toni could hardly believe that she really managed to say something to make Toni even more uncomfortable than she had been. 

“No, Martha did.”

“Oh, well, Regan is good at it. So sweet, too. Good at saxophone, really good. Smart as a whip, probably the best in AP Spanish.” Shelby sang the praises of Toni’s ex-girlfriend as she brushed lipstick onto her lips and Toni really couldn’t decide if she wanted to revel in the fact that Shelby was producing a sensation in her lips or ignore that like she should and focus on Shelby’s random complimenting of Regan. 

“Well the good news is she’s single.” Toni said once Shelby pulled the lipstick away so that she could talk. Toni was kidding, really, she knew Shelby hadn’t been expressing interest in Regan but it did sound suspicious.

“Oh, are you thinking of trying to win her back?” Shelby asked, packing the make-up back up.

“No?” Toni thought about explaining her joke but decided against it.

“Why not?” Shelby asked as she turned around to fix her hair in the mirror. 

“I don’t feel that way about her anymore.” Toni said, and Shelby's eyes caught hers in the mirror. 

“Thanks for doing my make-up.”

“No problem. It was fitting, I learned to do makeup for the first time in this room, you know.” Toni was surprised that Shelby remembered anything she had forgotten, but to be fair, Toni had been much more interested in dropping Mentos into coke with Martha’s little sister than learning make-up application from the older one. “Everything comes full circle, I guess.” Toni told her.

“I hope so.” Shelby replied. 

Toni fell into the character of Carly more easily than she expected, and even though Carly also had a secret, massively fat crush on her Taylor, Toni was able to keep it together for most of the scenes, instead feeling empathy for Taylor’s very sad situation of missing her dead dog. They filmed some flashback scenes, with Snowflake, the Blackburn’s dog, during which Toni could feel her heart flutter just a little more than she bargained for when Shelby looked up at her as they played with the dog. But Martha was right there, filming them and talking to them between breaks so it felt a lot less intimate than Toni was afraid it might. 

As it turns out, filming is a lot more work than either of them ever expected, so Shelby stayed for dinner, Mrs. Blackburn clearly happy to catch up with her, and only sending a few curious glances at Toni. 

Martha excused herself to go to her room and rest, while Toni and Shelby sat on the couch to plan out the next weekend’s filming schedule. Sundays were out, due to Shelby’s church services and Toni’s basketball games, so they only had the next Saturday to get all the footage they needed. 

Shelby took her gold Sharpie out of her backpack to write “FILMING PLAN” across the top of the page and Toni became a little distracted by the way Shelby drew her capital A’s-a large circle with a line, rather than the more conventional triangular shape. Any pointless thoughts she had regarding her handwriting her quickly discarded when Shelby suddenly suggested they sit on the back porch instead of the living room. 

Once the plan was written, Toni knew Shelby really had no reason to stay, but she did for a while, rocking gently in the porch swing with her. 

“This remind you of anything?” Toni asked her, comfortable enough to do so seeing as Shelby had brought up their earlier friendship first. 

Shelby laughed quietly. “A few things.”

“A few things?” Toni asked, before she remembered the last sleepover she’d ever been at with Shelby, the way she had pretended to sleep instead of joining her for some time together outside. 

“Maybe this is also coming full circle?” Shelby asked, and Toni nodded. 

She looked again at the thin fabric of Shelby’s shirt before asking “Are you cold?”

And just like they used to, Shelby leaned into Toni’s side, and Toni put an arm around her. 

It felt like it always had, years before, and like something brand new entirely.

The week passed dreadfully slowly for Toni. She still talked to Shelby in film class, but now that their script was written, there was no reason to talk during Martha’s dance practice. And after having spent an entire day with her, a few conversations during school was just not enough. 

On Saturday, Mrs. Blackburn dropped Toni off at the state park at 7 am sharp, so that her and Shelby could get everything they needed filmed before the sun set. Normally, Toni would have fought anyone that tried to make her get up that early on a Saturday, but she’d agreed readily, because of course she did. “You seem excited to see her again.” Mrs. Blackburn said as they waited for Shelby. Toni wanted to disagree but knew her voice would give her away, however, her smile did it for her the second she saw Shelby’s car pull up.

They got down to work quickly, Toni capturing shots of Shelby wandering around the forest, prairie, and lakeside areas of the park, and the tripod capturing their scenes together. It occurred to Toni that it would have been considerably easier if they had gotten someone else to film the scenes of them together, but Shelby had really insisted she thought the tripod would be enough, there was no need to try and find someone else. 

Around noon, they took a quick break to eat some food Shelby had packed. Shelby handed Toni a white paper bag with her name written on it in gold, and a tiny heart underneath. “I hope you still like peanut butter and banana sandwiches.” She said, and from the smile she gave her, Toni would have eaten the sandwich even if it was laced with poison. “And Takis!” Toni exclaimed as she opened the bag and saw the familiar purple packaging inside. “Well I knew you’d never change your mind about those.” Shelby giggled, and Toni couldn’t help but notice the way she chose to sit much closer to her than the large picnic blanket necessitated. 

They somehow managed to stay on schedule, and so about 45 minutes before sunset, during golden hour, they set up the tripod to film the final scene of the movie-Taylor and Carly, running away from the camera, thorough a field, laughing together, happy that they were finally able to give little Bronco the send-off he deserved. 

Toni checked the footage from the first attempt and found that Shelby accidentally ran out of frame on the left side, and on the second attempt, Toni accidentally veered left.

“Let’s just hold hands to make sure we stay centered.” Shelby suggested, and that’s how Toni found herself, running through a field with the girl she’d liked for ages, hand in hand. 

She forgot to fall into her character at that moment, too absorbed in the sound of Shelby’s laugh, the soft feeling of her hand, the electricity in their connection. They reached the edge of the forest and stopped running, but Shelby made no move to drop her hand. Instead, she turned to face Toni, grasping her hand even tighter.

Toni looked into Shelby’s green eyes, baring into hers, into her soul. She watched the eyes dip down to her lips, watched the way Shelby licked her own lips. 

She watched the way Shelby’s eyes suddenly darted over to the camera still recording them, the camera that was the property of the school. 

No, it didn’t happen that day, but when she got back into Mrs. Blackburn’s car 20 minutes later, she was still grinning ear to ear. “What’s got you so smiley?” She asked, like she already had a pretty good idea. Toni shakes her head, not ready to talk about the feelings swelling in her heart-the feeling of how right Shelby’s hand felt in hers, how natural it felt to be beside her all day, and how increasingly sure she was that, at least to some extent, her feelings were not entirely one-sided. 

On Sunday, Toni texted Shelby to see what she wanted to do in terms of distributing the work of editing the movie. It took her a while to text back, and when Toni remembered this was because Shelby was in church Sunday mornings, many of the good feelings from the night before washed away, because she had sort of putting all the religious stuff on the backburner of her mind. 

She did respond, though. “ **Sorry about the wait! I’m down to distribute it however, but if you think you’d have time, I feel like we should meet up sometime (or times) and do it together. I really enjoy working with you in person.”**

The next day during lunch, Shelby quickly stopped by Toni’s table and dropped off a bag of gummy bears. “What’s this for?” She asked, her cheeks turning red at the way Martha was smiling at her. “I meant to put it in your lunch bag yesterday, sorry about that. I’ll see you in film.” With that, she winked, and turned back, heading to her own table. 

“Um, did I hallucinate that or did Shelby Goodkind just wink at Toni?” her friend Megan asked, her hand frozen in mid-air on the way to take a bite of apple. 

“She’s just like that to everyone.” Toni excused, staring at the package of gummy bears as she felt her face get somehow redder. 

Martha choked on her water, and Toni knew she hadn’t convinced anyone. 

In Film Class, they watched some cowboy movie, or maybe it was about aliens, or perhaps about a strong single woman finding her way, Toni couldn’t tell because Shelby had figured out that they could very subtly pass notes to each other. Even though the conversation was about nothing in particular, the feeling of Shelby’s fingers brushing against hers, lingering, even though speed was important, lit her entire body up. 

After the final bell rang, Toni ducked into the bathroom, and into the only open stall, which just happened to be where the list of HLHS Hotties was still on the wall. She looked it over, more random names having been added, some with comments made like “Ewww, no way” or “omg yessss!!!” Right at the bottom, were some letters, in gold sharpie.

**ɑ. (T.) K. S** . 

Toni didn’t want to be overconfident. But really, what else could it stand for.

Antonia (Toni) Kahu Shalifoe smiled as she washed her hands. Junior year was shaping up to be much better than she’d originally anticipated. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW this chapter was long! and it didn't even cover the whole time period I intended lol, but it felt like a good stopping point anyway
> 
> Thanks so much to everyone who's reading and especially to everyone who is commenting, you all keep me going! :) Thank you everybody!


	5. High School: Junior Year (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ch 1 Recap: Toni met Shelby at the start of seventh grade. They became quick friends, within a larger group of girls. They had many group sleepovers, and Toni and Shelby developed a tradition of staying up after everyone else and sneaking away to hang out alone. At the last sleepover of eighth grade, they kissed while sitting in a bathtub, but never got a chance to talk about it again. At the start of high school, Shelby began dating Andrew.
> 
> Ch 2 Recap: The friend group drifted apart at the start of high school. Toni started dating a girl, Alison, and whatever was left of Shelby and Toni's friendship seemed to disappear. Alison and Toni broke up and Toni wasn't too bothered. In the spring, Toni came across Andrew cheating on Shelby, Shelby asked Toni about it. For several weeks, they hung out every Monday behind the school, when Shelby was supposed to be in Christian Youth Club. Dave found out that Shelby had been missing meetings, and Toni knew it was the end of the friendship again.
> 
> Ch 3 Recap: Toni dated Regan, during which Toni forgot about Shelby, except when she had to see her during math class.Toni and Regan broke up, Toni was sad but moved on in time. Toni realized that she believes Shelby was her first love, and that's why she can't move on like she did from Regan. On the last day of the year, they found themselves alone in the hallway at school, talked for a while, Shelby told her she'll be busy at a camp all summer, and Toni kisses Shelby's hand before running away.
> 
> Ch 4 Recap: Toni writes Shelby's name on the bathroom wall on a list of "Hotties." They end up paired together to make a movie for film class and at first Toni isn't sure what to think, but over time, starts to think Shelby might feel the same way. Toni sees her initials written on the bathroom wall list as well.

After spending the afternoon and evening convinced that Shelby had written her initials on the bathroom wall, Toni laid in bed, thinking it through a little harder.

Shelby loved that gold Sharpie, that was for sure. But she was not the only girl in school that had one. She drew her A’s a little strangely, but surely other girls did as well. Everyone knew Toni’s legal first name, as it was what teachers would read off the roster at the start of the year, but how many people knew her middle name? Not a ton, but not just Shelby, either. Toni knew if she asked Martha she’d probably face palm and tell her she needed to stop second guessing herself. Toni wondered if she should take that (and everything else) as a sign. 

Toni mulled it over while she scrolled through twitter and listened to Martha’s soft snoring. She was about to put her phone down for the night, when, speak of the devil, a text came in from Shelby. She held her breath as she clicked on it. 

**Wanna come over to my place this weekend to edit?** Okay, it was no declaration of love, or admission to vandalism, but Toni couldn’t be mad anyway. 

They figured out with Toni’s schedule that Friday would work best, and then kept the conversation going, because Toni did not want to stop and it seemed Shelby didn’t either. They talked about their movie, which was fine, Toni would have been happy just to talk to Shelby about paint drying. 

**What do you think happens with Carly and Taylor after the movie ends? Lol if we ever need to make a sequel.** Toni texted. She had thought a lot about it, for some reason. In her head, Carly and Taylor kiss after the movie ends and then get together. It helped her cope, to think of some universe, with some version of the two of them together. Not that she expected Shelby to be doing the same thing, much less admit to it. 

**Oh Karlie definitely buys Taylor a new dog. But like, once they have their own place.** Shelby replied. Karlie? Toni almost looked it up but got distracted by the suggestion that the two girls in their movie would apparently live together in the future. It wasn’t much, but paired with the bathroom wall, the hand-holding, the cuddling on the back porch, and so many little things going back to their kiss years prior-it felt like it could be something. Maybe, one day.

Once Friday rolled around, Toni slid into her seat next to Shelby in film, giddy with anticipation. “Hey, we’re still good for after school, right?” she asked. Shelby smiled and nodded, but something was off. Toni followed Shelby’s eyes, and for a second she thought she was checking her out, until she realized Shelby was looking at her shirt-which just happened to have PRIDE written in a rainbow across the chest. 

“Um, I’ll probably go home and change first, though.” Toni said, hoping she had understood the issue correctly. “You don’t have to do that.” Shelby said, but her eyes said ‘Thank you.’ “It’s cool, Shelby.” 

Toni arrived to Shelby’s house, dressed in the least gay way she could still feel comfortable, yet she felt distinctly uncomfortable as she stepped into Shelby’s house and Dave Goodkind rounded the corner. His fake smile was plastered on his face and as afraid as he’d made Toni at thirteen, it had doubled or tripled now. 

“Long time no see, Toni. How have you been?” He asked. Toni couldn't bring herself to meet his cold eyes. “Good, thank you.” 

“What have you been up to?” Was he this damn inquisitive before? 

“Basketball, mostly.” Toni answered, like that could encapsulate the past three years of her life. 

“Right, right. You got a boyfriend?” Out of the corner of her eye, Toni saw Shelby’s entire body stiffen.

“No, no boyfriend. Just basketball, really.” Toni replied, and it wasn’t a lie. (She would lie her ass to Dave Goodkind right there and then if he asked the question Toni was afraid he was getting at, though).

“Well, anyway, Daddy, Toni and I have a lot of work to do, so…” Shelby began to walk up the stairs, but before Toni could get a foot on the steps, Dave reached around her to grab Shelby’s arm. “How about you two work at the kitchen table? There’s much more space that way.” It was worded like a suggestion and said like a command, and Shelby didn’t put up any fight.

More space was not at all needed, as Toni and Shelby huddled around Shelby’s laptop to watch all their raw footage. Dave sat at the other end of the table on his own computer, like there was nowhere in the house he’d rather be than sat there, eavesdropping on his teenage daughter and her friend (project partner?).

They cut out all the obvious throw-aways, moments where someone or something disrupted them, or when they forgot their lines. It was a shame, really, because Toni would have liked to save the videos of her and Shelby laughing together. 

Finally, they got to the end of the raw footage. The two of them running away from the camera, hand in hand. Stopping. Looking at each other. Toni felt her heartbeat in her chest as she glanced up at Dave, and she could feel in the air that Shelby was terrified. Toni watched the video and saw the way Shelby took small step towards her as they stood together, something she hadn’t noticed. It almost looked like she was leaning in, and if Toni hadn’t been there, she would have thought for sure the girls on the screen were about to kiss. 

“Where do you wanna cut this last part?” Toni asked, wondering if there was any way to subtly communicate “ _ Do you see what I’m seeing here? And if you do, what does it mean _ ?” Shelby glanced up at her dad. “Maybe we should call it a night and figure out the rest another time.” Toni realized that this would prevent Shelby from deleting the footage, at least for now, so she accepted it and texted Martha to come pick her up. 

After Toni got home, she texted Shelby  **Thanks again for having me.** It seemed polite to do, and she was always looking for an excuse to text Shelby.

**Of course!** Came the reply. After a minute, Shelby sent more:  **I’m sorry about my dad. Especially when he asked if you had a boyfriend. I’m sorry if you felt like you had to hide who you are.**

Toni was still thinking about what to respond, she really didn’t like Dave but couldn’t be too mean about him to his own daughter. But, Shelby had more to say.  **It really sucks having to hide who you are.**

Toni stared at the last text and felt her breath go shallow, because...was Shelby saying what she thought she was saying? She wanted to ask, so badly. Ask if Shelby was gay, if she was gay for  _ her,  _ ask if it was all in her head, even though it didn’t feel like it really could be, not after everything. But she was terrified, so scared that if she pushed too hard, Shelby would shut down. She had that dad to contend with. Toni couldn’t keep pretending she didn’t. So, she landed on sending her a message of support. She figured it was more important that Shelby felt safe and secure with her than to know if her feelings were reciprocated.  **Well, if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here.**

The following week, Ms. Groen ended up giving them class time to edit, while she came around to answer any questions. Toni noticed Shelby had already cut out the very end of the movie, with it fading to black as they ran. She couldn’t ask if she’d saved the footage somehow, not in private and certainly not in front of the entire class. Toni dragged her feet through the editing process, hoping to slow it down enough that they’d need to meet up again, but by the end of school on Friday, their movie was complete. Done. Nothing left to do, no more reason to meet up with Shelby. 

It was just as well, as Shelby seemed to be pulling back, no longer approaching her in the hallways to chat, and her texts getting shorter and more infrequent. It all felt sadly familiar. 

Two weeks passed, and though Shelby still smiled at her and passed her notes, Toni knew that something had changed, and she cursed herself for the hope she still carried that, like every time before, Shelby would come back around, eventually. Maybe sometime around the last week of school, an entire semester away. 

Finally, after the two weeks, it was time to show their movie to the class. It went fine, and Ms. Groen gave them an A-, with points docked for the obvious use of a tripod for the outdoor scenes when they really should have gotten someone to just film them. Under the comments section, she wrote “ _ Good Job, you two! Great chemistry between the characters-would love to see that explored a little more! _ ” Damned if Toni didn’t want that, too. And if Shelby blushed while looking at the comment sheet before handing it to Toni and insisting she hold on to it, well that could mean any number of things. 

After school ended that day, Toni went to the bathroom, into the HLHS Hotties stall just to see if it was still there. It was of course, and she ran her finger over each letter of her initials, forgetting hygiene for a second. It could have been a message that Shelby knew she’d written her name, and that she was just saying she saw. Or she could be saying that she felt the same way. Or maybe it was some entirely different girl with the same marker and handwriting expressing attraction to some unknown guy who shared initials with her. 

When she came out of the stall, she was surprised to see Shelby standing there, fixing her hair in the mirror, not that a strand had been out of place. They smiled at each other, polite at first, and then a little knowing, as Shelby glanced back to the stall she’d come out of. Which was kind of gross, decontextualized, but at the  _ very _ least, it seemed Shelby knew her own name was up there on the wall. 

Toni washed her hands slowly as the random girls around her filtered out of the bathroom, and Shelby continued moving her hair around unnecessarily. Tentatively, Toni joined her in the mirror, picking at some of her knots and trying to press her waves down in a more consistent pattern. Fatin, who Toni knew from English class the previous year, joined them in the mirror for a second, reapplying some lipgloss and before she turned to leave, she gave Toni the most confusing wink she’d ever received. And with that, they were alone in the bathroom, and from the amount of time that had passed, Toni figured it wasn’t an accident. 

“Sorry that I’ve been weird these past few weeks.” Shelby said, not taking her eyes off her own reflection. It sounded rehearsed, like she’d been saying it in her head over and over in the several minutes she’d spent there. 

“It’s cool.” Toni replied, because she had seen this girl’s dad, and she’d be weird too.

“I just…” Shelby looked down at the ground, clearly not having prepared past her first line. “I know I haven’t talked to you much. And it’s because I have a lot to say but I just don’t wanna say it just yet. I have to sort some stuff out first.”

Toni stood speechless, because that was almost an admission of feelings, or at least attraction, but it was something else, too. 

Her lack of response must have alarmed Shelby because she spit out “If you don’t know what I’m talking about then don’t worry about it.”

Toni let out a nervous laugh, “No, I think I know what you’re talking about...I mean, do you think I can probably guess it?”

Shelby met her gaze in the mirror before nodding, “Yeah, I think you can probably figure it out.”

“Then I know.” Toni said, and when Shelby’s eyes darted away, Toni wondered if she shouldn’t have sounded so sure. 

“I just, I can’t talk about it, not yet. I need to figure stuff out.” She said, more or less repeating herself from before.

“That’s okay,” Toni replied, because she’d already waited ages for this girl, and it still felt worth it. “But I mean, if you ever wanna talk about like, aspects of it that you  _ are _ ready to talk about, I’m here. And I might even be able to relate on some level.” She said, and Shelby laughed a little, which was her goal. 

“I know you can. But that’s not really the part I’m talking about. Because I’ve  _ known _ for a while. The rest of it is stuff I need to do by myself, for myself, do you understand?” Toni nodded, even though she wasn’t quite sure she did. 

“But, when I  _ do _ figure it out, you’ll be the first person I tell.” She turned and really met Toni’s eyes for the first time in the conversation, and Toni wanted to ask  _ When?  _ and  _ Why can’t I help you?  _ and  _ Can we just kiss a little now before you figure everything else out?  _ But, she only smiled and nodded and said “Okay, Shelby.”

Shelby grabbed her then, and for a second, Toni thought she’d kiss her, but she buried her face into her neck, wrapping her arms around her, holding her close, and Toni reciprocated. It lasted far longer than any reasonable hug ever has, and it was nearly impossible to let go when they heard the bathroom door open. 

They texted each other Merry Christmas, and Toni replied to Shelby’s instagram stories that she posted during her winter vacation to Texas. They texted each other their upcoming class schedules and Toni was crushed to realize they didn’t overlap, not once. They did have third period classes in rooms across the hall from each other, though, and for all of second semester, junior year, Toni looked forward to the smiles and momentary conversations in the hallway between rooms 310 and 311. 

Toni could never quite tell what it was Shelby was figuring out, she seemed much the same, always peppy and smiling, cheering Toni up even on days when she’d bombed a test and missed her morning coffee.

It was early February one day, when Toni was waiting for Shelby between second and third period, and Regan approached her. “Hey, do you have Megan’s number? I have a project with her and forgot to get it from her.” She said. Toni didn’t think anything of it, she and Regan were a done deal, friendly acquaintances, but as she pulled out her phone to give the number to Regan, she saw Shelby head into her classroom without so much as saying hi. Shit. 

She rushed out of class the second the bell rang, hoping to catch Shelby, but Shelby only smiled politely before disappearing into a crowd of students, fast-walking away from Toni. 

Toni spent the next two classes completely unfocused and unsure what to do about the whole situation. At lunch, she listened to her friend Danny gripe over some girl he was interested in (honestly, straight people and their problems) and she cut him off to say “Dude, why don’t you just talk to her?” 

And then, the answer felt like a glaring neon sign. She pulled out her phone and quickly typed out  **I just wanted to let you know that Regan was asking for my friend’s number for a project. That’s it.** After she sent it, she felt like an idiot, because who was she to imply that she thought she needed to explain anything, but when Shelby smiled at her in the hall the next morning, she knew that text had meant something. And a few days later, when they wished each other a Happy Valentine’s Day, it felt like that meant something too, even if they hadn’t agreed to be each other's Valentines, Toni knew they weren’t anyone else’s either. 

As spring approached, and nothing seemed to be changing, Toni wondered if it ever would, or if shy smiles in the hall was as far as Shelby was willing to go. She had hope still, but some days it felt like a painful, teasing hope that couldn’t go away so long as she talked to Shelby every day, and her eyes, her smile, and her laugh would recharge that hope. Toni wondered if the hope could ever go away, even if she and Shelby were totally separated from one another. 

As the end of the school year approached, Toni felt that dumb, painful hope get stronger, almost like some conditioned response where the end of the year meant some meaningful interaction with Shelby might happen, and somehow her hope had forgotten that is was always followed by silence. 

Toni wondered if they would fatefully run into each other on the last day of school somewhere, like they had the previous year, but it seemed Shelby was not leaving this up to fate, as a week before the last day of school, Shelby texted her to ask if she was free that weekend. 

Toni had no idea what to expect going into it, no idea what to make of the fact that Shelby had invited her to her friend Becca’s dad’s house, even though Becca’s dad was out of town and Becca was at her mom’s. She wanted to ask, but she also wanted to give Shelby space. 

“Hi.” She said, as Shelby opened the door to an unfamiliar but comfortable home. 

“Hey. Are you thirsty, can I get you something?” Toni’s mouth was in fact, terribly dry, so she sat on the couch as Shelby grabbed her a glass of water. 

She took a big sip of it, while Shelby settled on the couch, notably far from her. “So, I guess you probably know why I invited you here.” Shelby said with a huge smile. Toni did not know. She had a hope, a hope that didn’t feel entirely unreasonable, but she actually had no idea why she was in a stranger’s home or exactly what Shelby wanted. 

“Are you ready to talk about it?” Toni asked, hoping that if she was wrong about the whole thing, her vagueness would cover it up. Shelby smiled shyly and nodded.

“Then let’s talk.” Toni said. 

Shelby took a deep breath. “I know this is so weird, but remember what I said about stuff coming full circle?” Toni nodded. 

“Follow me?” Shelby asked, and Toni would have followed her absolutely anywhere, but it turned out to be a bathroom. She was confused for only a moment, until she laid eyes on the tub. Shelby took a seat on the edge, sinking into it, and Toni did the same beside her. 

Shelby giggled a little bit “I know this is kinda weird, it just felt right.” 

“It does.” Toni told her. 

Shelby sighed. “Remember when I said I think everyone is a little bisexual?” 

It was three years ago, but it was also right before their first kiss so of course Toni remembered. “Yeah. In a situation not unlike this one.”

“Right, except I don’t think so anymore.” Shelby told her. “Because I’m definitely not.”

“Okay…” Toni said.

“I just mean I’m like...Okay, so the thing is...shit, I don’t know what order to tell you all this in.” Shelby said, hiding her face in her hands. 

“Can I try something?” Toni asked, and Shelby nodded without taking her hands from her face. 

“Shelby, I’m a lesbian.” Toni stated simply.

“Me too.” Shelby said, and for a second, it was really just that easy. 

“What else did you wanna tell me?” Toni asked.

“Well, how about I tell you why this is happening now and not...any time in the past.” Shelby took another second to organize her thoughts before continuing, “So, I’ve known for a while. And at first I never wanted to tell anyone, then I just didn’t ever want to tell my parents, but eventually I realized I needed to. And I think they were suspicious, for some reason. Maybe they accessed my search history somehow, maybe they could just read it on me, I don’t know. ” Shelby took a second and Toni almost told her she didn’t think anyone read Shelby as gay, but she kept it to herself, allowing her to continue. 

“And I was realizing that I wanted to tell them right around the time I was realizing that you might...around the time we were making the movie. And I just wanted to make sure that my coming out was for me. And I’m sorry it took so long, but first I had to tell Becca, and that took a long time to build up the nerve for. And then Becca had to ask her dad about me moving in here, if they kicked me out.” 

Toni’s eyes shot open at that. Was that why they were here? 

“And then finally I had to tell them, and it was terrifying and awful and he very nearly did kick me out. But, my mom spoke up at the last second, and...things aren’t great, at all. I have to get a job this summer and pay rent to live with them, and my dad won’t even look at me. And, of course, I have to come here just to get some privacy with you. But I’m out to them, and I never thought I’d be able to say that.” 

Toni took her hand, squeezing it as she told her, “You are the bravest person I’ve ever met.” And Shelby scoffed and shook her head, but kept holding Toni’s hand and it felt too good for Toni to come up with anything else to say.

“I still have to say the other thing.” Shelby said, and Toni’s heart went from racing to positively pounding out of her chest. 

“And I’m sorry it took me so long. But ever since we met, you’ve always made me feel something. It’s always felt so right with you, Toni.”

Toni sensed that Shelby was turning her head to face her then, and she faced her as well, wracking her brain for some clever response, but there was no time. It all happened so fast, after years of waiting, and Shelby’s lips were on hers, and it was worth every second.

“I’ve been in love with you for ages.” Toni whispered against her mouth as they pulled away, and she felt the answer in the way Shelby grabbed her to kiss her again. 

She’d always loved her back. 

(And she did for the rest of their lives)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm not much of one for writing multi-chapters but here this is! Finally complete! I hope people enjoyed, let me know in the comments!!
> 
> Also I just wrote an AU one-shot that is probably gonna turn into a slightly more than one shot cuz people seem to like it haha, so check that out if you haven't yet!
> 
> Thanks SO MUCH to everyone who read this whole thing, it kind of blows my mind that anyone would so I appreciate anyone who sees this :)

**Author's Note:**

> I hope everyone enjoyed! I have the second chapter written and it will be up soon! 
> 
> (I hope no one is too disappointed that I'm writing this instead of more fluff of them with kids in a world where nothing bad ever happens lol I have some works in progress there, too, though)
> 
> A few fun facts: the background characters are all named after people from my middle school with names spelled differently where I could. Clayton is an homage to the only person to ever realize I was gay without me telling them. You were right Clayton, here's your reward lol
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Comments make my day! Happy Valentines Day!


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